Fear Theatre - Horror Reviews

Jason ups the body count in part VI of the “Friday the 13th” franchise when Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews from classics such as; Return of the living dead, and, er, Return of the living dead part 2), the young boy who killed Jason years earlier, gets released from the state mental hospital and straight away goes looking for Jason’s grave to prove to himself that once and for all Jason is finally dead.

Proving that mental homes dont know the first fucking thing about patient rehabilitation, our wacko hero proceeds to dig up Jason’s grave and stab his corpse repeatedly with a large piece of nearby fencing. Unfortunatly for Tommy Jarvis (and reeeaaallllllyyyyy unfortunatly for his wacko friend; hey, who needs a fucking heart anyway?) the slasher Gods were looking down on him from above and don’t like watching thier creations being brutalised with metal-fencing. In a flash of bright blue lightning, a re-energised Jason is back from the dead once again, looking meaner, bigger and maggotier (I’ve made a word!) than he’s ever been before, and he’s real pissed off at Tommy!!

Some say that the gore on this one isn’t as good as some of the rest, but I disagree. I mean for fucksake there’s a heart ripping, a head stabbing, legs and arms getting lopped off everywhere and a guy gets folded in fucking two! Seventeen people die in this movie in a series of grisly ways-what more do you want? Kiddy deaths? Animal mutilations? Snuff? My God, you really are a bunch of sick bastards if the lashings of blood on offer here still doesn’t float your boat. It’s a slasher film spiced up with some black comedy moments - not a Ruggero Deadato movie.

Even the characters were better developed in this movie than with most of the other slashers I’ve seen in my time. I actually gave a shit about the councillers in this one, even though their ticket was well and truly punched when they signed up to work with the kiddies at ‘Camp Forest Green’ (Crystal Lake to you and me; they changed the name: but they couldnt change the game!).

All in all a great slasher movie, one of the best I’ve seen in a while and the touches of black comedy sit well with the unusual deaths and pecking order that make this movie a joy to watch again and again (like ‘The Sound of Music’ only with machetes).

I’m rating all of the “Friday the 13th” movies over the coming weeks and well be keeping track of our butcher of the innocents with a following series of questions:

Most interesting death?

It’s got to be the guy getting folded in half.  The cop had previously shot at Jason with a shotgun and a handgun, then he back-stabbed and bashed him with a stick, then kicked him in the ribs and in the face when he was down. He then proceeded to bash in his fucking skull with a brick. What I’m trying to say here is that if anyone deserved to get folded in fucking two it was this arsehole; if he had done all that to me I’d want to fold him in two as well.

Has Jason learnt any new skills this time around?

Six movies in and he’s still mad with the head-squishing, but I think his newfound skill here would be ‘killing someone until there’s nothing left but goo’ as he did with the lovely Lizabeth. A fine waste of a fine piece of ass.

Does he get his ass kicked at any time?

He gets tag-teamed by Megan and Tommy at the end and is deposited back into Crystal Lake, minus his throat.  Also he gets his ass handed to him by the sherrif for a brief period before he folds the guy in half. What Jason lacks in fight skills in this one he makes up for in super-strength and an ability to keep getting up no matter what gets flung at the bastard. He’s also great at polo.

Any wierd parts?

The fact that Jason has the opportunity to butcher his way through a room full of innocent children and doesn’t is kind of weird - does he suddenly have morals? Christ, I fancy a go at that.  He could also have squished Megan’s head in a matter of seconds, then went after Tommy rather than discarding her like a tiny fish. You’ve only got yourself to blame for the brutalising she hands you about ten minutes later, Jason.

Interesting movie fact?

This film is banned in Finland, fucking pussies.

          OFFICIAL REVIEW

Tommy Jarvis (Thom Matthews), the boy who killed Crystal Lake murderer Jason Vorhees, is now grown. Jason is still dead, but Tommy, recently released from a mental health facility, needs to see proof. When he exhumes Jasons body to get a closer look, a series of events causes the masked killer to be reanimated, only to go on the rampage again.

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This post is tagged big fucking knife, broken in half, crystal lake, hockey mask, jason, sherrif's of small towns are generally idiots