Fear Theatre - Horror Reviews

One missed call, and one more pathetic attempt by Hollywood to remake a great Asian chiller in their own mold. The original was only out five years ago for fucksake - at least wait until the artwork’s finished on the original DVD release before you copy the shit out of it.   

So how exactly does Hollywood go about making these pish-poor remakes? Well, first they get the original film and they strip away any semblence of fear and foreboding. Then they hire a couple of mid-budget actors to star in it (the kind of people that you know on sight, but you’re not really sure where from). Finally, change the plot slightly so it’s not too hard for middle America to understand. Mix it all up in a big bowl until it goes a lumpy brown colour and starts smelling of shit, and viola!

An Asian horror remake is born.

The original and far superior movie is called ‘Chakushin Ari’, so  get that one instead if you want a decent Asian chiller and throw this pile of shit in the bin.

Shanynn Sossamon, (I swear to God I would fucking eat her, even the toe-nails) and Ed Burns (him? not so much…) star in this by the numbers ghost story as a group of college friends start receiving weird phone calls from themselves at the moment of death, from the near future. Soon it’s a race against time for the last survivor to try and unravel the mystery with the help of a ‘cop on the edge’ (I’m not fucking kidding you. Are there no happy, well-adjusted cops in America?) as the clock ticks down to her own oncoming demise.

There are a couple of not-too-bad scenes, especially the first death when even the pet cat can’t escape the deadly intentions of the killer ghoul. Oh, and the one where Ed Burns gets stabbed right in the fucking eye through a spy-hole is a belter, but there’s just too much shit thrown into the melting pot that doesn’t make any sense and the movie would have been much better without most of the ‘troubled character’s past’ baggage. I mean, why the fuck do we need to know the main character’s father commited suicide when she was a kid? It’s got absolutely fuck all to do with the plot and serves only to confuse us with another red herring.

The scariest thing in the whole movie is the totally creepy selection of toys they find in their search for the beginning of the curse.  Where in God’s name do you buy kids’ toys that look that scary? Is there a toy shop where only abusive parents are allowed to shop and buy things that will psychologically damage their kids for life? Then again, I played with Turtles and Dangermouse and look how I ended up - thank fuck they’ve got internet access in jail, eh?

OFFICIAL REVIEW

It happens to one. Then another, and another. College students discover eerie voicemail messages on their cell phones. Each call comes from the near future. Each call has the chilling voice of the student during his or her last moments alive,  and each call comes true. Terror is One Missed Call away in this got-your-number shocker based on the hit Japanese thriller Chakushin ari. Does the viral spree of calls have a single source? Is there something that links the victims? Psych student Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) and detective Jack Andrews (Ed Burns) scramble for answers. And they’re working fast. Because Beth just discovered an ominous message on her voice mail…

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This post is tagged asian remake, creepy, ghosts, hallucinations, mobile phone, the creepiest fucking doll youve ever seen...ever!!