Bloody Birthday

Jul 24th 2008
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I don’t know about you guys out there on the world wide interweb, but I’m pretty sure I can take three murderous 10 year old kids no matter how fucking mental they are. In fact, to hell with it; I could take 10 of them, unarmed. Give me a baseball bat or some other crude instrument and I could take the little bastards on all day long, only stopping for snacks and pee breaks.

That’s why, in my humble opinion, this movie kind of sucks ass as a horror. It’s okay for a thriller, but doesn’t really passed the finish line as far as slasher movies go by forgetting two important horror film rules:

1. If you’re going to have pre-pubescent killers, they have to look as creepy as ten creepy things in a big creepy bag (like the little girl from “Alice Sweet Alice” -now there’s a little bitch you wouldn’t want to find under your bed). If they just look innocent then there’s no scare factor involved and all the way through the movie you just find yourself thinking, ‘Why won’t someone just fucking punch those little bastards right in their stupid little faces?’.

2. Never, ever, arm your slasher/horror movie killer with a handgun. This defeats the purpose of having a ‘scary’ killer in your movie - anyone can kill with a gun, but a pickaxe or a giant spoon? Now that’s a fucking horror movie.

Here we have three babies born on the same night of a lunar eclipse, no big fucking deal right? Happens all the time in my town. But what we soon find out is that because of the moon blocking out the sun blocking out Saturn, they’re born without any feelings, blah, blah, blah and some other astrology shit, sorry - I kind of nodded off there for a second during the explanation part of the movie.

Soon the nasty little trio of innocent looking bastards have hit ten years old and appear to be planning for their big birthday party by killing just about anything that moves by strangulation, shovel, baseball bat (after the old ‘skateboard on the stairs’ trick fails), crossbow, car, and worst of all, your dead daddy’s handgun!

There’s some nice naked action with plenty of tits on show throughout, all over-age thankfully! The script is actually not too bad and the whole movie has that warm and fuzzy eighties feeling that makes me happy; but let’s not forget, this ain’t no horror film regardless of what the picture on the video case suggests i.e. there are no severed fingers in birthday cakes and there’s hardly any blood in the damn thing at all.

But as a dark type of thriller, it works. Just don’t go expecting to cake your pants after watching it. Unless kids with handguns frighten you, that is; but it doesn’t really faze me. There are kids running about outside my house right now with Uzi’s for fucksake, after a while you get used to the bangs and screams.

OFFICIAL REVIEW

In 1970, three children are born at the height of a total eclipse. Due to the sun and moon blocking Saturn, which controls emotions, they have become heartless killers ten years later, and are able to escape detection because of their youthful and innocent facades. A boy and his teenage sister become endangered when they stumble onto the bloody truth.

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