Fear Theatre - Horror Reviews

“Don’t you want to join the clean plate club?” asks Ma as the group of stranded vacationers sits around the table for dinner. Clean plate club? More like the absolutely fucking mental religious murderers club! I’d already have left the island after being introduced to their weird ‘children’, a set of three forty-something mentally retarded adults who dress up like kids and act like spoilt five year olds.

Fuck the broken plane; I would be swimming home if I had to. Or alternatively, I’d go with the whole ‘if in doubt kill everyone that scares you’ routine. It’s always worked before and I don’t see why it wouldn’t have worked here.

Quick! To the mattresses!

Honestly though, who goes camping with a light aircraft? Where the fuck were they originally hoping to land the damn thing? On a suitable ‘light aircraft’ runway found at most campsites or forests? Quite lucky for them they crash-landed on this densely wooded island rather than pitched head-first into the sea; quite lucky that is, until they meet the island’s only inhabitants, a religious family with a set of twisted morals all of their own…

Soon we have a whole host of dodgy deaths including death by giant swing (would you really let some stranger tie you into a swing that overlooks a huge cliff-edge, especially if the stranger in question is about forty years old and wearing children’s clothes?), death by knitting needle, death by skipping-rope, death by ornament, and apparently death by ‘being roughly handled by a big disabled guy’.
(See ‘of mice and men’ for confirmation that this can actually happen.)

Soon Ma and Pa have got problems all of their own though, as the last survivor of the camping trip massacre doesn’t take too kindly to being forced to join the family and starts an interesting massacre all of her own! No fucking wonder after being made to wear that dress all day, and that hairstyle…urgh!

It’s a rather tame and bloodless affair to be honest, but it’s okay if you like this sort of thing (i.e. any slasher movie that ever existed; decent body + shit script) and the acting’s above par for most of it due to the help of Rod Steiger and Yvonne De Carlo as the crazy ‘Ma’ and ‘Pa’, although why in fucking Gods name any of them signed up to this movie after reading the script is beyond me.

Above average…but only just.

OFFICIAL REVIEW

A group of yuppies charter a plane for a camping getaway only to find themselves making an emergency landing on an isolated island. They are taken in for the night by the only inhabitants, the rapidly-religious “Ma & Pa” who seem trapped in a Rockwellian time-warp. This proves to be every bit as unpleasant as it seems as eventually Ma and Pa’s three ’children’ turn up and begin picking off the yuppies one-by-one.

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This post is tagged 40 year old kids, backwards locals, crazy family, dead baby, plane crash, religeous