Final exam

Jun 18th 2008
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AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! THERES A KILLER ON CAMPUS!!! Erm…again.

If that’s a pretty common theme that doesn’t really ring any excitement bells with you then you should check out this above-average little horror film that has a few nice touches that other ‘killer on campus’ movies fail to hit.
Slasher movie murderers don’t come much meaner than this mullet-sporting casual dresser as he hacks and brutalizes his way through an all-American high school on exam night without so much as a word spoken. Like all true slasher-killers he bends the laws of reality just a teensy bit with crazy abilities that include catching arrows out of the air before they hit him, traveling great distances in well under a minute (unless the campus is only ten meters in length), seemingly being in two places at once, and the all important skill of being able to sniff out individual victims from hundreds of similar dorm rooms in an otherwise (strangely) abandoned campus.

One of the things I enjoyed about this little slasher movie is that it’s littered with back-story and in-jokes, check out the posters on radish’ dorm wall (other slasher movies) and also listen to his rant about people being killed by random maniacs to only end up as statistics, then have a little knowing smile to yourself as he’s found halfway through a dorm-room door with blood pishing out of his mouth, murdered by some random maniac.
You shouldn’t have opened your mouth radish! Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy if you ask me, ten minutes alone with this annoying little shit and I would have thrown him through a door myself. He makes me want to scream at the television; ‘OKAY! YOU’RE FUCKING GAY ALREADY! STOP WITH THE GAY BANTER AND WHINEY GIRLY VOICE!’
I don’t though, ‘cos my mums in and it might be rude to scream gay obscenities at the television when she’s visiting. She won’t understand, and then there’ll always be that ‘friction’ between us.
There’s really no point in ruining a perfectly good family bond over a fictional character in a movie.

The actual killer of the piece is a nice touch too, a real mean-spirited fucker with a bad haircut and with seemingly no reason whatsoever to be on campus, full of rage and basically knifing anything that moves. Apart from top-jock ‘Wildman’ who he beats to death in a good-old fashioned fist fight with some ball-kicking thrown in for good measure. That’s the first time I’ve seen that actually, a slasher-killer kicking a hapless victim in the balls. Let me know if there are any more movies where that happens and ill owe you a beer.

One of my main (and only) grudges here is that yet again, after taking on all comers the super strong, super agile, super fucking angry nameless maniac is bested by the smallest girl on campus who first beats him black and blue with a handy two-by-four then throws him down six flights of stairs to the concrete landing below. If that wasn’t bad enough she fucking stabs him to death (six-story falls don’t kill these guys remember) when he’s lying on the floor at the end of the movie, you go girl!
Not much cause for celebration though honey, all your friends are dead.

OFFICIAL REVIEW

Horror thriller in the mould of halloween/friday the 13th as a psychotic knife weilding killer goes on a bloody rampage in an american college campus.

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