An above average slasher film starring a crazed priest who definitely isn’t getting into heaven any time soon, unless he stabs the angel at the gate and scales the wall that is…
The killer priest in question carries a huge sharpened crucifix, a holy water vial filled with what I can only guess is petrol, or since were in the shadowy mythical world of Christianity it could be holy magic fire water, and a burning hatred for purveyors of blasphemy, pre-marital sex and drug taking. Looks like things are about to go tits up pretty fast for our group of teenagers out to play on prom night.
The film starts in 1957 when our young, handsome, and stark raving fucking mental priest goes over the edge on the night of the school prom and brutally slaughters a cavorting couple in their car, were assuming god is totally cool with this because he then makes his way back to his local church for some self-flagellation and isn’t struck down by lightning from above.
After he meets up with the local clergy they decide that covering up the truth and hiding the demonic father Jonas in the basement is a much better idea than calling the police, the Catholic Church covering up past crimes committed by priests to save their image? That’s a bit far-fetched if you ask me.
Anyway…stroll on to 1987 and the demonic priest has escaped his cell due to the incompetence of the new priest/guardian who has been assigned to watch over him and its back on the slasher-wagon as he carves his way to his old hunting ground where a group of four young lovers who just cant help talking about sex and use the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘God’ a lot (which pissess father Jonas off even more than he normally would be…) are about to find that the new breed of priest just aint as forgiving as they used to be!
Just a couple of points I’d like to bring up though, how the fuck does he still have the two foot sharpened crucifix that he had thirty years ago? Does the church just leave these things lying around nowadays, you know, just in case someone decides to go crazy?
Also, if father Jonas is so fucking strong (he’s strong enough to kill by the tried and tested ‘head squishing’ that Jason Vorhees made famous many years earlier) then why oh why is he bested at the end of the movie by an eight stone fucking GIRL?
I’m sorry ladies, I really am. I’m not trying to be sexist or anything but he’s a six foot mentalist with demonic strength and a huge fucking knife and she’s just a little GIRL with a shovel, doing what a big guy with a handgun couldn’t do only moments before, what the fuck is wrong with this outcome?
Okay, maybe I am just a little bit sexist, but hey, at least im not a catholic.
just a couple of final points to make; when a shed full of wood is set on fire, it really shouldn’t explode, that’s almost as crazy and unbelievable as the Church covering up crimes.
also remember fright fans that if someone has lifted you up from the floor by the ears and is obviously lining you up for a head squishing, dont just meakly slap at thier outstretched arms. instead try jabbing the fucker right in the eyeball. i dont care how crazy he is, that’ll still hurt.
OFFICIAL REVIEW
A passionate couple are enjoying one another’s company when they are spotted by the psychotic Father Jonas, who proceeds to carve up their bodies. Thirty-three years on, having escaped taking his medication, Father Jonas is on the rampage intent on punishing the sinful…
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This post is tagged catholic church, cover up, girly ponytail, killer priest, prom, scalping, serial killer, Slasher
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