Fear Theatre - Horror Reviews

AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!

IT’S ABSOLUTLY FUCKING TERRIFYING!! A POSH PARTY FULL OF PRETENTIOUS PRETTY PEOPLE, ALL TALKING SHIT AND POSING!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Oh yeah, and there’s a big monster outside knocking buildings over and eating people. Wait, something else is happening now; it looks like he’s shitting out little monsters that are also eating people. Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s all go outside onto the roof…

If there’s ever a time to root for the monster, then this is one of those times as a giant creature (think Godzilla on a PCP and crack cocaine bender) takes to the streets of Manhattan to smash buildings, eat socialites and generally cause a lot of very naughty mischief. Like the old, shit arcade game from your childhood - only now with better graphics and some perfume ad clowns running around.

Soon the city is in chaos, the military fill the streets and the skies (and the apartment stores and fuck knows where else), buildings tumble like dominoes, and fires rage out of control. If that’s not bad enough, thousands of dog-sized parasites with insatiable appetites, bird-like beaks, and a taste for human flesh fall off the creature and begin creating havoc all of their own. But remember: dog-sized parasites are for all existing 20 minutes of your panic filled life - not just for Christm<chest explodes>.

I enjoyed this movie, but can categorically say it shouldn’t be classed as horror; it’s more of a disaster-action movie with monsters. One of the main things that pissed me off though was the way the camera just wont stay still; I know it’s supposed to be filmed through a hand-held video camera (or PaniCam…get it? Panic+Camera=PaniCam…yeah, well fuck you), but surely to fuck these idiots can afford a better camera than this? How does the clown-shoes named ‘Hud’ (not an abbreviation for Heads Up Display, that’s his name!) manage to keep hold of the camera when racing through crowded streets, pitch-black underground tunnels, while dodging statue of liberty heads, fighting mini-monsters and all manner of craziness; hell, I would have ditched the video camera at the first sight of giant monster-trouble. Possibly even before that, in the shitshow party just after the nicknaks and chipolattas were finished.

“But this is important, people have got to know what happened here,” he whines in the background, yeah right. Camera down and running away works fine for me, people can find out what the fuck happened here for themselves.

In the end, I just couldn’t connect with any of the upper-class cast of twenty somethings who just want to have some fun and I have to say I was quietly pleased when they each bite the big one (apart from the lovely Marlena). I even felt sorry for the monster when the army started dropping bombs on it. Those dirty bomb-dropping bastards!

As for the ‘I’ve got to go back into the city to save the girl I love’ back-story, Jesus look around you dude. There is no fucking city anymore! All you’re doing is getting everyone else who’s with you killed for the girl you love who let’s face it, is probably dead anyway - that’s pretty fucking selfish isn’t it? Besides they’re all fucking gorgeous here anyway - Christ, even Hud works out - forget her. It’s for the best.

Like I said before, I’d already put the camera down and started running away ages ago, and women have been fighting for equal rights since the suffragettes took to the streets in 1897 - Fuck saving this already dead idiot. I’m sorry sister, but you’ve made your bed (stick the dinner on while you’re at it).

And the monster itself? It’s suitably scary looking close-up when we finally get to see it and I wasn’t disappointed, although I don’t really know what to make of the large red balloon-type things at the side of its head - giant monster testicles maybe?

So did the big, bad, ball brain die at the end of the movie? Did the ‘hammer down’ protocol the military were hinting at kill the beast like it completely obliterated the city of Manhattan?

Well I could tell you, but let’s just say there’s a piece of garbled transmission at the end of the credits that explains all…and I bet you missed it, too. It has to be slowed down and played in reverse so unless you’re a robot, I’m pretty fucking positive you missed it.

Awww…that’s a shame. It may not be annoying you right now, but give it time…it’ll eat at you.

OFFICIAL REVIEW

A group of friends throw a party for Rob, who is leaving New York to go and work in Japan. As the party progresses, however, violent shakes and explosions herald the arrival of an unknown creature, which begins its rampage by throwing the head of the Statue of Liberty down into a street. Told from the viewfinder of their video camera, Cloverfield shows how Rob and his friends venture deep into the streets of New York, avoiding the giant creature however possible, determined to rescue Rob’s true love from her destroyed apartment building in midtown

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This post is tagged camera work, destroyed manhattan, eating people, giant monster, parasites the size of dogs!, poisonous bite